June 30, 2006

Stalk U

I don't like it. I'm constantly hearing Foo Fighter's "Walking After You" in my head. It's supposed to be Mira who's the stalker, not I! What's happening to me? I even have an accomplice to the stalking! (Thank you blogger who shall not be named lest your reputation will be ruined!) Being a bum does have its negative effects. Now, that's an understatement!

I am just grateful that tomorrow I am required to attend the Marilao auditions and on Saturday night, my Qpids friends and I are barhopping somewhere. I need to get my mind focused on something else. I should be enrolling for swim lessons already but I lost the number. I have to walk around the village again to find that commercial banner. Ugh!

June 23, 2006

Get Busy

Now for the blog's nth cliché, I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. It's better to think this way so that the hurt won't be too painful in the process. So I'm keeping myself busy. Tomorrow, I will try to call that number for swim lessons. Even if my body muscles are still aching, I will Body Combat to the gym at least thrice a week. I already bought plane fares to my hometown and my high school city for a vacation in July and August, respectively. I will tag along in my former department's Baguio outing next weekend. I will go out with my friends in the bar district tomorrow night. I have to be busy for me to forget what I feel about love. A friend sent me a Neil Gaiman quote about love and it pretty much sums up what I feel at present.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love". ~ Neil Gaiman

Ouch. Somebody take me out of the blues! For one, you can suggest an activity for me to do during the two-month break. Anything! Anybody!

June 18, 2006

We're Back

My videoke partner-in-crime Yam just got back from a 2-month film shoot in Vietnam so as a mini-reunion of sorts, what else do we do but head to I.O. for some shameless videoke binge. Wanting to widen my notoriety as the possible next William Hung of You Tube (thanks to my version of Weezer's Island In The Sun), shot some of our singings on cam phone. The hilarious results are these...

Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin



Bye Bye Na


Not suffering enough? Click on the song titles for more. :)

Don't Cha
Hanggang Kailan
Masdan Mo Ang Kapaligiran
Waiting In Vain

Like Hurts

I should have known better. It was not meant to have a happy ending. After all, it didn't start on a love note. The signs were all there but silly me, I disregarded them. I instead chose to over-read the late-night chats and daily text messages about life and everything on it. But it's okay. I learned my lesson. Laughable as it may seem, at 26, I experienced my first "like-ache". :) Yes I will still continue to be "Kuya Ted" but this time without benefits.

June 14, 2006

To Be Or Not To Be

It seems I will not be able to buy a second-hand car. My money just ain't enough. Well, it's actually enough for me to buy a decent second-hand car but I don't want to take the risk. I don't want to experience penniless 2003 ever again. That was really the pit. I also observe how depressed my jobless housemate has been for weeks and no offense meant but she has become my living example of why I should save for the rainy day.

I see uncertainty in the future, that's why. Well, I suppose I'm still part of the new reality show in August even if there was no clear offer since I was asked to attend the initial meeting. My former boss also called me this afternoon to offer me a soap-writing job and re-editing work for our former soap. So if I really look at it, future's not that gloomy. I can take the risk and buy that friggin second-hand car which was one of the main motivations why I stayed with the former reality show for two consecutive editions anyway. Still, at the back of my mind (or inside my heart, heh!) there's that feeling telling me to follow what I really want to do. The problem is what do I really want? I've witnessed enough to realize the unfair system and whatever fantasies or dreams I have in mind, I know it's not possible to achieve.

Let me enumerate what I really want to do.

1.) I want to be in a reality show ala Survivor or a more political Big Brother. Main reason of joining: to play the game, no more no less. The more practical reason would be for easy money and to milk whatever 15 minutes of fame I'll hopefully get to promote media literacy.

Reality check - Imposible! Foremost, the PBB staff knows me personally that there would be bias for or against me if I decide to audition. Secondly, there's no Survivor franchise being bought and even if there is a local version, I don't think it would be very easy for me to get in. I'm fully aware I don't have a TV-friendly face.

2.) I want to study filmmaking abroad.

Reality check - I actually asked my friend Guia how much she saved for LA film school and I actually can afford it now! Then again, it's too risky on my part because it would mean spending all my savings. I work to survive. I don't have rich parents to finance my miscellaneous fees abroad or to help me pay my bills when I get back after. My only option is for somebody to offer me a scholarship. Now, if that happens, that would be the bomb!

3) I want to direct my own film/s.

Reality check - If you follow the bureaucracy of mainstream cinema, unless you're a Quark Henares, you have to work your way up to become a director. That means, you first have to become a PA, then become a script continuity, then become an assistant director, then direct for TV, then after more than a decade of doing so, they will finally entrust you to direct for cinema. Come to think of it, I was already an assistant director in 2004 and had I stayed being an AD, who knows what I might have achieved at present. The problem though is that I don't believe in the system. I don't think being an assistant director is the proper way to train future directors. I learned nothing about film language while being an AD. All I learned was the logistics and how to compromise to appease your superiors (director, producer and stars). There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I believe film directing is more than that. I also realize that even if I become a mainstream film director through that system, the movies the studios make are not the movies I want to do anyway. So there's no drive, then. Lest people assume I'm against mainstream cinema, let me just say that I do understand that producers are being safe nowadays because of Philippine Cinema's poor state.

The only way for me to be able to direct my own film is through Cinemalaya. But then, if you read the scripts that I wrote, I don't think they're Cinemalaya material. I write scripts in casual taglish and don't follow any format. Heh.

So those are some of the reasons why I don't want to take the risk. So what do I do now? What path do I take? How do I regain my passion? How do I stop being jaded?

Tomorrow, I plan to talk to my current boss and hopefully articulate what I really feel. I hope he can give me a sound advice because honestly, I'm lost and confused. I'm just not feeling it now because I have moolah (true!) but I know, I know the feelings have always been there.

June 08, 2006

Reality Season Ends...

...and my life should have begun already, yet 5 days after The Big Night and I'm still doing nothing. I haven’t made any plans. My daily routine so far consists of surfing the net and doing cardio exercise (or pretending to do it). In a perfect world, I seriously need a month-long debriefing but as the cliché goes, our world is not perfect so tomorrow, I’m already called to report for a meeting. I hope it’s not work-related, something outing-related maybe, because I honestly haven’t figured out yet what to do next. God bless me, yes. :)

Oh, and I just finished watching all the reality show finales (thanks, Mininova). Petty as I always sound, at least it got me into good mood knowing my predictions were mostly correct this season.

Taylor won American Idol.

Kim won Pinoy Big Brother: Teen Edition.

BJ and Tyler won The Amazing Race.

It was only Aras of Survivor whom I wasn’t able to correctly predict. Danielle coming in second was a big consolation already, though.

Argh, I’m still having fun “escaping” through reality show programs! And I’m still hoping I can live my reality show dream in the future. Still hoping! Haaay…

June 01, 2006

When Was The Last Time...

...you did something for the first time? Anong commercial nga ulit yun? :) Well I just did last night. Kagagaling ko lang sa aming 100 islands adventure shoot at lugmok man ako dahil nawalan ako ng cellphone, sobrang saya naman dahil first time kong nakasakay ng hot air balloon! :) Yun nga lang, walang picture. Pero yebah pa rin! :)