To Be Or Not To Be

It seems I will not be able to buy a second-hand car. My money just ain't enough. Well, it's actually enough for me to buy a decent second-hand car but I don't want to take the risk. I don't want to experience penniless 2003 ever again. That was really the pit. I also observe how depressed my jobless housemate has been for weeks and no offense meant but she has become my living example of why I should save for the rainy day.

I see uncertainty in the future, that's why. Well, I suppose I'm still part of the new reality show in August even if there was no clear offer since I was asked to attend the initial meeting. My former boss also called me this afternoon to offer me a soap-writing job and re-editing work for our former soap. So if I really look at it, future's not that gloomy. I can take the risk and buy that friggin second-hand car which was one of the main motivations why I stayed with the former reality show for two consecutive editions anyway. Still, at the back of my mind (or inside my heart, heh!) there's that feeling telling me to follow what I really want to do. The problem is what do I really want? I've witnessed enough to realize the unfair system and whatever fantasies or dreams I have in mind, I know it's not possible to achieve.

Let me enumerate what I really want to do.

1.) I want to be in a reality show ala Survivor or a more political Big Brother. Main reason of joining: to play the game, no more no less. The more practical reason would be for easy money and to milk whatever 15 minutes of fame I'll hopefully get to promote media literacy.

Reality check - Imposible! Foremost, the PBB staff knows me personally that there would be bias for or against me if I decide to audition. Secondly, there's no Survivor franchise being bought and even if there is a local version, I don't think it would be very easy for me to get in. I'm fully aware I don't have a TV-friendly face.

2.) I want to study filmmaking abroad.

Reality check - I actually asked my friend Guia how much she saved for LA film school and I actually can afford it now! Then again, it's too risky on my part because it would mean spending all my savings. I work to survive. I don't have rich parents to finance my miscellaneous fees abroad or to help me pay my bills when I get back after. My only option is for somebody to offer me a scholarship. Now, if that happens, that would be the bomb!

3) I want to direct my own film/s.

Reality check - If you follow the bureaucracy of mainstream cinema, unless you're a Quark Henares, you have to work your way up to become a director. That means, you first have to become a PA, then become a script continuity, then become an assistant director, then direct for TV, then after more than a decade of doing so, they will finally entrust you to direct for cinema. Come to think of it, I was already an assistant director in 2004 and had I stayed being an AD, who knows what I might have achieved at present. The problem though is that I don't believe in the system. I don't think being an assistant director is the proper way to train future directors. I learned nothing about film language while being an AD. All I learned was the logistics and how to compromise to appease your superiors (director, producer and stars). There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I believe film directing is more than that. I also realize that even if I become a mainstream film director through that system, the movies the studios make are not the movies I want to do anyway. So there's no drive, then. Lest people assume I'm against mainstream cinema, let me just say that I do understand that producers are being safe nowadays because of Philippine Cinema's poor state.

The only way for me to be able to direct my own film is through Cinemalaya. But then, if you read the scripts that I wrote, I don't think they're Cinemalaya material. I write scripts in casual taglish and don't follow any format. Heh.

So those are some of the reasons why I don't want to take the risk. So what do I do now? What path do I take? How do I regain my passion? How do I stop being jaded?

Tomorrow, I plan to talk to my current boss and hopefully articulate what I really feel. I hope he can give me a sound advice because honestly, I'm lost and confused. I'm just not feeling it now because I have moolah (true!) but I know, I know the feelings have always been there.