October 13, 2003

The Space Between

I had some serious bout of depression today. I just realized we only have two shooting days left and after that, it's again a time of uncertainty for me. What will I do next? In true After Image fashion, what will life offer me? Not that I'm oblivious to this as a major consequence of leaving a stable job but obviously, I'm still not ready. My freelancer friends told me that this will always happen. But you can't fault me. This is really new and unusual for someone who's taught the normalcy of getting a secure and high-paying work, instead of just doing what you love. Of course, this happened already.

Last summer, work is more than fine. I got my first Assistant Director job for the supposed launching movie of the John-Heart loveteam. But a major hitch (which I couldn't disclose) came about and the movie got shelved. For the first time since the year 2000, I found myself jobless. For the first time, the effect of being a freelancer hit big on me. I didn't know what to do. Fearing for whatever (my future or whatever), I immediately accepted the next job offered to me - to write a teenybopper for the new John-Heart project. I was not thinking.

Writing again brought back some unwanted emotions from my soap writing days. (I'm a reluctant scriptwriter, up to now). By the time we submitted the 6th draft (to think the movie's a light one), it dawned on me that I really need a break. And what better place to have a break than home?! :-) The break was a breather (got re-acquainted with my childhood and high school buddies and attended a beautiful wedding) but I also know that a break should remain a break. I didn't know what to do though, so aside from deciding to go back to school, I chose to freakin' wait (what a loser!) Not long after, I got a text from Ms. Elma (our wonderful supervising producer) asking me to go back to Manila for a script continuity job. (The person above is really good and I am teary eyed.)

And so, here I am again, partially clueless as to what will happen next. I mean, I know I'm going to study my Masters next sem (as to where I will get my tuition money, I don't know). I also know that Ms. Elma already offered me (kinda, coz everything's not sure in showbiz until the first shoot day) another project. Still, I also know that once's the next project's over, there will always be this space between. When will this space be filled? Will there always be cliffhanger episodes? How will this end?

You know it's really funny when I read the blogs of people my age and always, their main topics are about love and relationship problems. How I wish mine would be more like those and not the dilemma of surviving this third world life. I say how blessed they are, they only have to focus on their love and "me" lives.

A part of me hopes I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

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