Bagong Simula

I think I started the new year on the right note. Natakot nga akong baka hindi because just mere moments before 2007, there was some pretty heated exchange of emails that happened. But all's well that ends well and I would like to believe everything is back to normal between the two of us - being friends that is. That's the most I could ask for and I am very happy. To tell you the truth, I was rejected anew but ironically, instead of being sad, it actually made me feel happy and free. Na-realized ko na baka yun lang ang hinihintay ko, na i-acknowledge niya ang feelings ko; not reciprocate, but acknowledge lang. I also realized na baka nga nagka-relapse lang ako. I've been so busy with work for PDA for the past 4 months na nung bigla akong nagkaroon ng free time at walang trabahong iniisip, parang nabuksan ang aking vulnerability and insecurity as a person. That's the thing that I actually don't like with my PBB/PDA stints. By the time the season's over, para rin kayong housemates o scholars na kailangang mag-adjust na naman muli sa outside world. I don't think I'm exaggerating on this.

I do would like to thank my friends who've read the previous entries and gave me some comforting words. I'm just sorry I cannot divulge the real story because I'm protecting the persons involved. I hope you all understand. Pasensya na talaga kung nagsi-share kayo ng love stories nyo pero hindi ko magawang mag-share ng sa akin. Basta wag kayong mag-alala, like I told you before, whenever the time comes na magkaka lovelife na ako, sasabihin ko sa inyo. Hindi ko 'yun itatago.

I received so many "move on" advices actually but one pretty interesting advice I got was from my friend RT. RT told me you can't do anything but just to love unconditionally. Tuloy napaisip ako. Kaya ko bang magbigay ng unconditional love sa taong mahal ko? Kayo, kaya nyo ba? I've thought about it and personally, I feel na kaya ko. But then again, I replied to RT, while my heart's feeling "it", my mind's telling me that there's a thin line between unconditional love and martyrdom. :) Do I make sense? I need your thoughts on this. Sabi ko pa sa kanya, kaya ko pa ngang alagaan at i-aruga ang taong 'yun eh pero does that make me a DOM at a young age? LOL! :)

My friend Nethrow on the other hand told me na iiyak ko lang daw ng iiyak dahil darating din ang time na magsasawa na ako sa kaiiyak and mari-realize ko na lang na shet, bakit ba ako umiiyak. That's what I would love to do actually. Gusto kong umiyak. 'Yung pamatay na free flowing tears. Mabigat yun pero masarap ang feeling afterwards. Problema ko lang, wala akong pwedeng maiyakan dito sa province. I feel so alone here because I have no one to turn to for my problems. Kailangan ko lang talaga ng mahingahan ng lahat, tapos iiyak ako ng todo todo, then bibigyan ako ng taong hiningahan ko ng matinding comforting hug. Awwww...

Before nangyari itong matinding relapse na 'to, I was planning to take a long break dito sa province. Pero ngayon parang gusto ko nang bumalik sa Maynila para magpa-kabusy ulit sa trabaho. I need the diversion. Naisip ko nga na going to Dakak alone might be a bad idea already. Kasi anong gagawin ko dun, mag-eemote nang mag-isa?! Ampanget! :D Besides, it's always raining here. Kagagaling ko lang sa gimik ngayon with childhood friends pero ang lakas ng ulan. Honestly, lahat ng mga naging lakad ko dito, palagi kaming inuulan. Sign ba yun? :)

Nagi-guilty ako sa parents ko when I told them that I might fly back na to Manila next week. They're expecting me to stay longer. Mahirap kasi hindi ko masabi sa kanila na I need to fly back already for my own sake. You might wanna say, why don't you communicate with your parents about this? Thing is, we are not that kind of family lang talaga. We love each other in silence. :)

Andami kong balak actually na gawin pagdating sa Maynila. Aside from attending reunion get-togethers with college friends and co-internet gamers, I will also hunt na for a new apartment. I also plan to get back to the gym and this time, be disciplined about it already. (Suggest to me a good gym within QC, by the way! :D) Gigimik rin daw ako with Marcus (workmate), tapos with Roy (college blockmate), tapos with Andrew (kababayan). Ewan ko lang kung saan ako dadalhin ng mga gimikerong 'yun. Hehe. Mas masaya, I think I'm going to help Michiko and Jade with the pre-production of their new indie "ENDO" for Cinemalaya 2007. Magiging talent scout daw ako. Hahahaha. Di ko alam kung tuloy pero I think that's fun.

Pero ang pinakana-excite ako, if things will push through, I will try this talent manager thingy. Katuwaan lang siya nung una. Alvin, who I used to work with in My First Romance as John Lloyd's soccer coach, YM-ed me saying he's off for a sem in Ateneo and wanted to try out showbiz. Kung pwede ko raw siyang i-manage. Natawa talaga ako dun pero since I thought it was a joke, I casually replied na "oo ba!". Aba, New Year's Eve na New Year's Eve, biglang tumawag talaga sa cellphone dahil seryoso na pala siya. Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa kukote ko, maybe it's the fact na nag-enjoy ako sa pagiging SE Manager nina Nyora, Davey at Yvan sa PDA, pero bigla kong naisip, why not! Hahaha. Kaya ngayon, I'm reestablishing contacts na sa TV and movies. Mahirap din kasi 2 years na akong hindi nag-production work at bago na ang mga tao ngayon. Nakakatawa lang kasi to tell you honestly, wala talaga akong alam how this talent manager thingy works so hihingi pa ako ng advice kay Direk Jillmer pagbalik ko ng Maynila. Naging talent manager kasi siya before. Isa pang nakakatawa, I haven't seen Alvin since My First Romance. I don't know how he looks like now and more funny, I don't even know his acting capability. Sabi naman niya, kung pwedeng commercial modelling or sa indie films muna siya. Ako kasi, as manager, iniisip ko sanang mag reality show na lang siya kasi 'yun ang magbibigay ng instant fame eh pero I have to respect my talent, you know. Hahahaha! Problema ko ngayon, virgin ako sa mga ad agencies kaya nagsi-search na ako ng mga contacts dun. Wala naman akong problema sa portfolio niya kasi rich kid eh, siya na raw ang bahala sa mga pictures niya. Hahaha! Eh di ayus! Kasi di ba, usually mga talent managers ang gumagastos for their talents? Mukhang other way around sa mokong na 'to. Trip trip lang kasi niya 'to habang naghihintay siya for his studies next sem. Astig na trip noh? Sana ganun rin ako. Kung trip kong gawin ang isang bagay, go agad! :)

Natatawa lang talaga ako kasi di ko pa alam kung anong magiging kalalabasan nito. The thing is I don't think rin naman na gagawin ko itong career, trip trip lang din tulad niya. (Onga noh, parang ganun na rin pala ako nung umoo as talent manager niya, trip lang kaya go! ) Basta, at least masasabi ko na for 2007, I did something for the first time. ;)