November 19, 2003

Dazed and Confused

You know life’s really unfair when the talent fee of the main actor’s make-up artist is double the amount of the talent fee of the script supervisor. I just found out last Sunday when I got my contract for the new movie project. It’s sad but it’s a fact. It depresses me that I studied for more than 10 years to have a job like this and that fact seems to acknowledge that those years are wasted.

The afternoon of that infamous first school day, I got to meet my former workmate Kate who’s also on her first day of teaching in UP. She just got back from Singapore where she finished her Masters Degree under a scholarship grant. We had lunch together with her Singapore classmate Jane who’s also teaching in Mass Comm and who happens to be my former undergrad teacher. They really bonded well during their Singapore stint and it’s obvious they had the time of their lives there. You know the feeling when you watched a very good movie and you want (really want) others to see that movie also? I guess that’s what Kate and Jane felt that moment. They want me to experience what they experienced. It seems like a bulb lit up their heads when after they reminisced, they looked at me and said “You should apply, Ted.”

I was hesitant at first. I did consider that option way back but now that I’m accepted in the Master’s program in UP, I think that’s more than enough for me. Let’s just say I’m not really one of those who has an American (or in this case, Singapore) dream. I don’t see myself living and working in a foreign land. The third world sucks but the P.I is my home. Of course I’m already counting the chicks here but you know, what if I will be accepted? There’s also the fact that the deadline is on December 15 already and I still have to fulfill the numerous requirements - passport which I still have to apply for, authenticated birth certificate, docu evidence of my work employment, transcript of records, just to mention a few. However, Kate and Jane were just too excited for me and I don’t want to let their hopes down (now you’re aware I have difficulty saying no) so I said that I’ll try my best to prepare everything needed for the application. I said this half-heartedly.

After last Sunday, I changed my mind. I now badly want to be accepted in that scholarship program. In fact, I’m trying my darndest to beat that deadline and hopefully just wait whether I’ll be accepted or not. My mind’s dazed now but I know I want to have more opportunities and in effect more money. It’s really depressing that money’s always the issue but that’s how I feel. I told you nothing’s left in my bank account and I don’t want this to happen again. It scares me. The uncertainty of what’s going to happen next scares me. And yet, I’m fully aware it’s the consequence of being a freelancer.

So in the meantime, I continue to work as measly-paid script continuity (doubling as AD since they’re still in negotiation with our supposed AD). I enjoy the work, yes, but if only the pay’s higher, man! I just console myself to the thought that one of the cast is my crush (whose name I won’t reveal since it’s enough that I’m “whoring” myself to you) and I’m experiencing some wonderful things for the first time (like shooting in a yacht.) Also, (this just came in) I said yes to my former boss Inang when she offered me to write again for soap after I finish with the movie. (I hope this offer will still stay by then). The thing is, I said yes even if I’m not really sure if this is really what I want or if I can survive another round of soap writing for that matter. I don’t know, I’m just grabbing all the opportunities that come my way. I don’t wanna experience again what I’m experiencing these days. You know, being desperate to earn money!

As you can read, I’m confused. Que sera, sera.

No comments: