Walang Isang Salita!

I'm kind of feeling bad. I just turned down an offer from my mentor & former boss. I would have shot a mini-docu about the last two weeks of the lives of the celebrity housemates before they enter the house. My former boss deems it could be training for me also now that I'm studying film directing. I got excited about the offer and readily accepted it, not even thinking about how much I will be getting or if i have the time to do it.

Then I came to class and found out we're starting our practical drills. I'm a newbie, see, and I'm not an A student too. It's understandably important that I should not be absent now that we're starting to hold the camera and take the shots. Of course, there's the price tag that comes along with my scholarship. I just couldn't afford to be delinquent, literally and figuratively.

Still, I tried to make things work. I was thinking of getting 2 more co-writers/SPs for the mini-docu so that I can only be absent in that one important day when the housemates are already checked inside a hotel before the launch date. I convinced two classmates to work with me, and thought of adjusting my TF so that they'll get bigger pay. In my mind, I can still do it.

I immediately wrote the sequence outline after class. I was thinking of emailing it to my former boss before our meeting the following day so that he can comment already about the structure & possible content. While writing it though, I had an epiphany. I realized I just couldn't do it. Doing it would entail focus and concentration on the work only. Shooting's easy but editing's a different matter. It will drain me mentally and physically which I couldn't afford since class is mentally and physically draining itself. More so, I don't want to come up with a mediocre documentary. It would be unfair for my former boss who trusted me with such a project. I wouldn't like it also. Ako pa na super fan ng reality shows & docu!

I still emailed the outline accompanied with a long letter that contains my whining and nervous thoughts. (And I realized now, it was amateurish for me to do so. It's just that I never looked at my former boss as just a "boss". I also see him as a father figure so the thoughts were written instinctively. Pero argh, napaka-unprofessional ko pa rin!) In the letter I said that I’d only commit when I know the sked.

I lied down in bed past 2 in the morning. 4 A.M. came and I still couldn't sleep. I was really bothered. I should just say no already. And so I texted my boss and started feeling guilty. Taena, wala akong isang salita! I hardly got any sleep since I've to wake up early for my driving class. It was a miracle I survived driving around Cubao, whew, since I was still stressed and sleepy.

My former boss replied with a "Ewan ko sa'yo. Dapat masanay ka na harassing ang buhay ng bagong direktor". I know he was just his usual "taray" self but I still got affected. My housemates say I should stop feeling guilty since the fee was small anyway for the kind of job that I will be doing. The thing is, it was never about the money and it's not as easy as that. It's really difficult to turn down a boss whom you owe so much and whom you've comfortably and happily worked with for 4 years. Kahit Lolo tawag namin dun, Tatay turing ko sa kanya e. Basta makakabawi rin ako sa 'yo Lolo! :)

Now, I don't know what lies ahead of me. I've turned down 4 projects so far because of school (as creative team member for the comeback soap of a young actress, as writer for the movie of a young comedian and a child superstar, as brainstormer for the next soap of a young actress, and now this). Haaay. If I already need "rakets" for survival, I wouldn't be surprised if the people who offered me these projects won't hire me na, I guess.