Listful Thinking

I’m okay CF. Okay, I’m not really that okay but I just feel like saying I’m okay for lack of better words of assurance. Heh. :) I’m drained. I’m tired. I’m nervous about work. I’m depressed yet again. I don’t know. I’m clueless. I really miss writing blog entries but my mind’s too wasted from writing for the show I don’t have the capacity anymore to over-analyze my pathetic life like my previous entries. So I’m just going to numerically list down what I’ve been thinking and feeling these past few weeks – from trivial to semi-serious stuff.

1. I still haven’t seen Spiderman 2. Argh. What does this say of me? I thought it’s still showing in Megamall so I caught the last MRT ride hoping to catch the last full show but I found out when I arrived that it’s not screening there anymore. Walked a distance after to nearby Galleria hoping it’s still showing there, only to be disappointed again. Seriously, that got me depressed.

2. I watched Collateral instead and good thing it was a great movie. That fact somehow lessened my sadness. The film’s smartly directed and well acted. Actually if Tom Cruise isn’t starring on this one, it could pass of as an art movie with its semi-philosophical inclination and what have you. IMHO. (That’s “in my honest opinion” for you. Haha.)

3. I badly want GMA 7 to put Joyride in the same timeslot as SCQ Reload. It’s not about being overconfident mind you, rather I think it’s only when that happens when we can say how good we’ve accomplished or the opposite. Hunter X Hunter is just too children’s show or for teenage anime geeks.

4. Our headwriter lives near T. Morato, near a bar where teenagers frequent. We had a meeting there last Saturday which ended around 12 midnight. (5 hours of chikahan, 10 to 15 minutes of “real” discussion. Argh.) When we exited his pad, saw the influx of youth barkadas having fun on their gimmick night out. Seeing them, I began asking myself what have I been doing and where have I been these past 8 years or so. At 24, I’d like to believe I’m a part of this crowd’s age bracket but in reality, I’m really not a part of them. You know what I mean? I’m depressed again.

5. I miss the day. Literally. For the past 2 weeks, I’m awake at nights writing some semi-crappy, semi-good youth soap opera, while I sleep during the day. I hate it. I really hate it.

6. For the record, I’m in a state wherein I prefer “talkative” dramas (those with long but interesting and natural dialogue and simple yet meaningful camera set-ups) than the gimmicky, fast-paced, fast-cut, visual-oriented ones. Having said this, I don’t think I’m really for SCQ Reload.

7. One more thing, I don’t like the fact (a fact that I don’t think will ever change) that in a creative work in mainstream media, everything is up to the bosses, to the people up there so to speak. And the only way to be able to be finally in-charge with everything is for you to be one of them. I am just longing for the day when I can say I did a creative work that I can proudly call my own, not minding if the masses or even you dear readers will like it. It should be a work that’s devoid of any formula and is not mindful of the canonized teachings of what’s good quality. It should just come from, I hate to be sappy but, the heart.

8. I’m still torn whether to leave the show or not. The income is really good. I mean I’m earning in a week what I used to earn in a month for a production work, but is it worth it?! A director says that realistically, it should be 75% working for money and 35% working for love (I don’t know why the total is 110%) for one to be able to survive in the biz. But isn’t that just too depressing?

9. I’m starting to feel guilty for coercing Michiko to join the show’s creative team. I don’t know if I’m doing her good or not. Michiko, if you’re reading this, don’t blame me for whatever you’re going to experience when you join us, okay?! I mean, I’m also confused myself so I don’t know, use your own judgment. :(

10. I enjoy reading these celebrity blogs. Makes me discover some aspects of these stars’ real personalities. Like Ala is really a good, good writer. Paula is really very opinionated. Lucky is such a hopeless romantic. I love being a voyeur, what can you say?!

11. You know my excellent record in predicting a reality show’s outcome right?! I mean, I correctly predicted Sandra to win Survivor: Pearl Islands and Fantasia winning American Idol 3 (see past entries), so let me now make my forecast for The Amazing Race 5. Based on first episode editing, I think dating couple COLIN and CHRISTIE or twins KAMI and KARLA will bring home the 1 million dollars. See we shall if I’m correct.:)

12. Why does Six Feet Under only have 13 episodes per year?! It’s just so frustrating considering it’s a very good show. I looove Six Feet Under. It’s brave without being controversial. It’s thought provoking without the pretense. And it hits you in the heart without the excess. Argh. I can’t wait for Season 4.

13. I’m planning to drop Film 201. I was absent last week and I don’t think I can handle the paper submissions required for the course considering that my mind’s just so drained writing for soap alone. I really feel sad about this but I think this is the right decision for now. Nakakaiyak!

14. As I’m writing this, I’m actually nervous coz it’s 2:30am already and I still have to report to the set later this morning to do some script revisions. I hate this feeling. Argh! I think I really made a stupid decision to go back to soap writing. How many times have I been telling myself that I’m not a writer? Stupid! Stupid! STUPID! Good Lord, help me!