Bye, Nay!

My mother already passed away yesterday afternoon.  It definitely breaks my heart for it was sudden, she didn't even have a life-threatening illness.  What she had was a simple diarrhea that led to other complications.  There might be a medical malpractice but the thought won't help me and family accept the situation now.  I pray that God gives me the strength to deal with it later.  Nevertheless, I still feel blessed and loved.  She waited for me.  I was able to talk to her on my first ICU visit upon arrival from Manila. She went into coma the following day.  I might have written (or even directed) a few hospital death scenes in teleseryes but they didn't prepare me from yesterday's real scenario.  We saw her being revived and were asked by the doctor of our decision after she was unresponsive for 30 minutes.  It was heart-breaking.  Sorry for the random thoughts and being dramatic.  I just need to let out.  I will definitely miss you Nay!  We only lived together for 12 years but you were always my inspiration and my source of strength.  I've always thought you were an old-fashioned conservative but the fact that you let me explore my dreams at a young age and supported me all the way makes you the best mother I could have. I hope I did you proud Nay. I love you soooo much!

ETA: I started my blog exactly 10 years ago and the first entry I wrote was about my Papay's (my Nanay's father) death.  I refuse to be morbid about the coincidence.  I''d rather think that Nanay and Papay, together with Mamay, are now reuniting in heaven.

Hospital Blues

I finally saw my Nanay in ICU early this evening.   She was confined because of complications from diarrhea or pwede ring because of the leniency of a local government hospital.  I should have segued to a rant about better and affordable health care that's lacking in our country, no thanks to corrupt government officials, but there's another venue for that.  I just wanted to write an entry because I wanted to express my feelings upon seeing my Nanay that weak.  I've never seen her that weak until tonight. She had difficulty talking.  Her skin is bloated. She looks pale and older.  The wires attached to her body do not help lessen her and my depressed state.  I was shattered to pieces and it hurts.

We talked for an hour wherein she shared to me some life realizations because of what happened. She realized my Tatay, who's not the affectionate kind and who's not good with words, indeed loves her the way he took care of her when she got sick.  She also told me an anecdote that had me in tears considering I was trying not to show my sadness to cheer her up.  Anyway, she told me she asked my cousin, who grew up with my parents, about his greatest fear.  My cousin, who hardly shows emotion and is still your typical irresponsible teenager, answered "losing you!". It got her teary eyed because to her, it validates her existence. It also got me me teary-eyed because after seeing her tonight, I feel the same.