Seoul Trip 2014

It was a trip that almost did not happen. Booked the plane tickets after our Singapore vacation last year. Unfortunately, my mother died in September. My sister and I were hesitant to pursue the trip. It might be insensitive. However, we thought of Nanay. Knowing her, we know she would want us to continue. In a way, this trip symbolizes that life moves on for us and no matter where we are or where we're going, Nanay will always be with us in spirit.

Meanwhile, below are the things I did for the first time in my third visit to Seoul.

Drank soju and ate samgyeopsal

Ate at Tosokchon and tried their famous Chicken ginseng soup

Went to Changdeokgung Palace

Joined Changdeokgung's Secret Garden tour

Joined the JSA tour...

... where I got to be in North Korea for a few minutes, albeit inside the JSA building

Also got to see the controversial borderline in JSA

Went to the Ice Museum

Watched Seoul's Lotus Lantern parade

Rode the cable car to Namsan Tower

Cruised Hanggang River

Went biking in Nami Island

Took a pose in the famous bench of Locks of Love in Namsan Tower

Click here for all the pictures.

Click here if you want to read all my South Korea trip entries.

And if you have questions about traveling to Seoul or if you're curious about my 4-day itinerary, just leave a comment below.

Give Thanks Despite A Blue Christmas

Despite the unfortunate events that happened to our family this year, there are still some things to thank God for.  For one,  I was able to celebrate my birthday in the company of my Annaliza family.

Birthday surprise on the set

With my Annaliza family

Another birthday cake during Annaliza's Christmas dinner

Birthday boy!

Just before I left home for the holidays, I was also able to squeeze in fun reunion with relatives & close friends.

Annual Christmas dinner with my closest college friends

Annual Christmas treat to my beloved pamangkins

Christmas, so far, has been "steady".  I mostly stayed home because I got sick upon arriving here.  My sister and I decided to forgo noche buena.  The tradition just reminds us so much of Nanay, we didn't want to turn it into a "cryfest."  There had been emotional debates among us regarding some legal matters on Nanay's death.  It's still not resolved but it gets me depressed.  I pray God gives us the strength and wisdom in coming up with a decision, and I also pray that Nanay will guide us.

Visited Nanay's grave during Christmas day. God, I miss her so much!

It's not all blue Christmas, though.  I was able to meet up with some childhood friends for Christmas dinner.  Some old family friends also invited us to celebrate the occasion with them in their homes and I appreciate that.  The fact that I'm with my family during Christmas and without work-related stress is also a blessing already.

Tomorrow, we celebrate Tatay's and my cousin Jimbo's birthday. We'll also have our annual Christmas party with neighbors.  We definitely feel the void left by Nanay but we need to move on. If only, it's that easy.

Greatest Fear

My greatest fear would be forgetting how it feels to have you around.  I love you so much Nay!

Bye, Nay!

My mother already passed away yesterday afternoon.  It definitely breaks my heart for it was sudden, she didn't even have a life-threatening illness.  What she had was a simple diarrhea that led to other complications.  There might be a medical malpractice but the thought won't help me and family accept the situation now.  I pray that God gives me the strength to deal with it later.  Nevertheless, I still feel blessed and loved.  She waited for me.  I was able to talk to her on my first ICU visit upon arrival from Manila. She went into coma the following day.  I might have written (or even directed) a few hospital death scenes in teleseryes but they didn't prepare me from yesterday's real scenario.  We saw her being revived and were asked by the doctor of our decision after she was unresponsive for 30 minutes.  It was heart-breaking.  Sorry for the random thoughts and being dramatic.  I just need to let out.  I will definitely miss you Nay!  We only lived together for 12 years but you were always my inspiration and my source of strength.  I've always thought you were an old-fashioned conservative but the fact that you let me explore my dreams at a young age and supported me all the way makes you the best mother I could have. I hope I did you proud Nay. I love you soooo much!

ETA: I started my blog exactly 10 years ago and the first entry I wrote was about my Papay's (my Nanay's father) death.  I refuse to be morbid about the coincidence.  I''d rather think that Nanay and Papay, together with Mamay, are now reuniting in heaven.

Hospital Blues

I finally saw my Nanay in ICU early this evening.   She was confined because of complications from diarrhea or pwede ring because of the leniency of a local government hospital.  I should have segued to a rant about better and affordable health care that's lacking in our country, no thanks to corrupt government officials, but there's another venue for that.  I just wanted to write an entry because I wanted to express my feelings upon seeing my Nanay that weak.  I've never seen her that weak until tonight. She had difficulty talking.  Her skin is bloated. She looks pale and older.  The wires attached to her body do not help lessen her and my depressed state.  I was shattered to pieces and it hurts.

We talked for an hour wherein she shared to me some life realizations because of what happened. She realized my Tatay, who's not the affectionate kind and who's not good with words, indeed loves her the way he took care of her when she got sick.  She also told me an anecdote that had me in tears considering I was trying not to show my sadness to cheer her up.  Anyway, she told me she asked my cousin, who grew up with my parents, about his greatest fear.  My cousin, who hardly shows emotion and is still your typical irresponsible teenager, answered "losing you!". It got her teary eyed because to her, it validates her existence. It also got me me teary-eyed because after seeing her tonight, I feel the same.

Mixed Emotions

My fatigue probably offset a would-have-been emotional day. Thank God because I hate being emotional!

Honey and I helped our housemate Aris moved to his new apartment in Paranaque earlier. He had to move because his work location transferred to Alabang and it's a hassle traveling from QC to Alabang everyday. I will definitely miss Aris.  Truth be told, he's probably my closest guy pal now. We actually started off on the wrong foot for reasons I'd rather not disclose but we became very close when we became housemates.  Like I always write, ever since I stayed in a dorm in high school, I'm already used to housemates moving in and out and so it's difficult to maintain friendship. I would not like my friendship with Aris to suffer the same fate. I hope we'll be friends for life.

Thanks for everything, Aris!

After helping Aris moved in, we had dinner in Vikings, MOA.  It turned out CF, who's in a 2-week vacation in the Philippines, was also in the mall.  CF is a dear friend who I used to write about here in my blog.  We haven't seen each other for 4 years after CF migrated to the US.  We had been trying to schedule a meet-up but it was very difficult because of my work.  It was a twist of fate then that we found ourselves in the same location.  I took the chance and excused myself from Aris and Honey to meet CF.  I was very happy to see CF again.  I miss CF!  We're just friends now but CF will always have a special place in my heart.  We chit-chat about our lives and I can see how CF has grown and matured.  I am a proud brother!  We promised to see each other again before CF leaves for the US or if not, when I get to travel to the US next year (fingers crossed!).  CF promised to drive me around Sanfo.

I'm not used to writing  a blog entry like this anymore. LOL!

Angelito: Batang Ama Finale Viewing Party

I thought of immortalizing the pictures of my baby's finale viewing party, thus, this entry. :)

My Angelito family

Sigh! I miss the people in front of and behind the show already!  Here's the link to the Facebook album. :)

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Truth is, I was sincere in wanting to renew our friendship.  I guess you thought otherwise.

Greatest Love Of All

The message of the first pop song I learned to sing still resonates.  "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all."  I'm still learning.

3

They say it comes in 3's. Hopefully the next 1 will be the "one". :(

Sad December

This is turning out to be another sad December. To think kakasimula pa lang ng buwan. At least in 2006, late December nako "nabasted" nung nililigawan ko. Last year, nasira lang din December ko after Christmas because of what happened to my friend in school. Nasaktan talaga ako for her. Pero this year, save for the visit of my high school friends, parang puro kalungkutan ang mga nangyayari sa buhay ko.

Financially, wala nakong pera at di ko alam kung anong maghihintay sakin na trabaho next year.

Work-wise, di ko matayu-tayo 'yung effin' concept na pinapabuo sakin.

Sa school naman, disheartened nako sa mga nangyayari sa final project ko.

Tapos kanina, I just came from the despedida dinner of a very close friend of mine. He's already leaving for the US for good. Affected talaga ako. Mahal ko ang kaibigan kong 'yun e. Ang sakit pala ng goodbyes.

Alam kong an entry like this usually ends with the blogger eventually thinking of positive stuff to keep things light and hopeful pero pagbigyan n'yo na muna ko. Let me just wallow in sadness.

Emo, Not!

Bigla ko lang na-realize. Nag-5 years na pala ang blog ko last September 29 pero di ko man lang naalala. Di biro ang 5 years ah! Kung anak mo yan, nasa kinder na! (Parang nasabi ko na 'to dati. Haha! :D) Well, siguro naman mapapatawad ako ng "anak" ko na nakalimutan ko ang birthday niya kasi naglilipat kami. Yep, we just transferred to a new and better place. Kapagod siya pero ngayon, okay na ko. :) Kurtina at study chair na lang ang kulang sa kuwarto ko.

Hmmm...gumawa pa ko ng excuses sa "anak" ko (Para naman akong baliw dito! Haha!) pero hindi rin eh. May nadiscover lang talaga akong something sakin ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung lahat ng tumatanda ay nagiging ganto pero naging less na ang attachment ko sa mga bagay bagay. Ayoko namang sabihing jaded kasi ang pangit naman nun. Baka more of, masyado nakong madaling maka-move on. Nasabi ko 'to kasi di nako masyadong nagba-blog tungkol sa buhay ko. I find them trivial na! (As if naman di trivial ang mga reality show blog entries ko di ba! Haha!) The last time we transferred to another place, naka dalawang blog entries pako! With matching pictures pa 'yun ha! Ngayon parang di nako naexcite to share it to the world. Nasanay na siguro o baka di nako KSP (Huwaaaat! :D). Isa pa, never akong naging emo sa paglilipat. Para lang akong nagbihis, yun ba yun? Actually tatlo naman kami nina Bing at ni Michiko na ganon. Tuloy parang naisip ko, ano ba to, ang bato natin! Haha! Si Rose kasi mga ilang araw nag-emo about it! May mahabang blog entry pa siya sa secret blog niya tungkol dito! Sabagay ako naman, sanay na rin akong paiba-iba ng house. Nung nakatira pako sa hometown ko, naka 3 lipat kami ng bahay. Nung high school, dahil college dorm ako nakatira, paiba-iba ako ng roommates per sem. Nung college, ganon din. In fact, di nako nag-bother makipag-kaibigan sa mga roommates ko dahil pang isang semester lang naman ang relasyon namin. Pwedeng it's a UP thing pero pwede ring iniwasan ko lang ma-attach. Naalala ko kasi nasasaktan ako nung high school tuwing nagpapaalam sa mga roommates every sembreak.

A few days after naming lumipat, bumalik ako sa old apartment para kunin ang iba pang naiwang bagay. Di ko alam kasi walang logic at wala namang planting kagaya nang sa mga pelikula pero bigla na lang akong nalungkot!? Bigla kong na-realize, mahal ko talaga ang dating village namin!? Tapos hayun, tuloy tuloy na hanggang sa pagligpit ko ng mga gamit. Binasa ko yung mga dating Hallmark cards na pinadala sakin ng mga high school friends ko (balak ko na kasing iwan dun kasi di nga ako emo di ba, haha!) pero hala, bigla akong na-overwhelm with emotions. . Right there and then bigla akong napa-text sa iba kong friends thanking them for their friendship. (Sorry Sands if you feel weirded out, haha! Your cards and Janette's really stood out for being so personal and heartfelt. Awwww!:D) Nung natapos nako at paalis ng old apartment, hayun may moment na ko na pang-sine. Mga lingering looks! Haha. Late na tuloy ako nakauwi sa bagong bahay. Eh ang Michiko, tinanong ba naman agad ako pagdating ko at ang sabi, "Nag-emo ka noh?!" Hayuuup! :)

Nakauwi ako sa bagong bahay ng gabi na. Unang tanong ni Mich, "Nag-emo ka noh?!" Hayuuup!

Tama si Rose e. Kaya siguro attached kami sa place na 'yun kasi UP siya eh. And saying goodbye to that place means saying goodbye na rin to UP, my home for the past 12 years and a major influence talaga in my life. (Pero sa UP ko rin natutunan 'wag maging emo eh kaya napaka-contradicting ng buhay). More than that, attached din ako siguro dun kasi first apartment ko yun e. First time kong walang roommate ever nung tumira ako dun kaya trivial man pero that's something you know, your first private space. (Since birth palagi akong may kasama sa kwarto. Ganto kasi yun, first 12 years of my life, kasama ko parents ko sa room kasi mahirap lang kami. Next 12 years after that, dormer/boarder ako kaya palaging may roommates. Although contradicting din kasi dahil diyan, nasanay nako na may kasama talaga kaya never kong naging plan na mag solo sa isang studio unit or wherever.) Of course, I worked hard just to achieve that goal of having my very own private space. Sandali, mahaba nang entry. Pagod nakong mag-reflect. Haha.

Siyempre I will not miss my housemates kasi kasama ko pa rin sila ngayon dito. At kahit na naguusap kami dito most of the time through YM even if we live under one roof, ibang comfort and security pa rin ang nafi-feel ko when I'm with them. Ya, kahit na mga love-fool pareho ang mga Midnight DJ writers, I still wouldn't ask for anyone to be my housemates but them.

Naku, nag-blog na pala ko tungkol sa sarili ko. Ngek!

Bye, Manong!

Grabe, nadepressed ako. Galing ako sa wake kanina ni Manong sa ABS. Di ko mapigilang maiyak. The last time I saw him, he was just full of life. Rumaket ako nun as crowd director ng Supahpapalicious and in between takes, chika lang kami ng chika. I can still remember the warmness of his embrace nung nag-babay nako dahil tapos na ang work ko sa movie. Di ko inakalang last babay na pala namin 'yun. :(

Regret ko lang, di ko man lang nakatrabaho si Manong sa isang kompletong proyekto. Nung CA pa kasi ako, nakaka-work ko lang siya pag 'yung assigned CA sa movies n'ya ay absent. Sa kanya rin ako dapat unang magi-AD sa full-length movie. Nakapag-shoot na nga kami ng ilang araw kaya lang, for some reason I can't disclose, na-shelved ang project. Pero lam n'yo, kahit na nakatrabaho ko lang siya sa maikling panahon, tumatak talaga sa isip ko ang pagiging humble n'ya. Actually, 'yun talaga ang hinahangaan ko sa kanya and I can attest to it, pero ayoko nang ikwento kung bakit.

Thanks for everything Manong! Godspeed and I'll miss you...

In a way tama si MLDA eh. No work is worth dying for! Kesehodang you're working for ambition or you're working for money, it's still not worth dying for! Sa mga kaibigan ko sa trabaho, please lang, alagaan n'yo ang sarili n'yo ha. At please, sabihan n'yo rin ako pag alam n'yong sumusubra na ang stress level ko sa work. Magsuportahan tayo.

P.I.!

Dalawang araw nakong nakakaramdam ng galit at sakit para sa isang kaibigan at buti na lang talaga, wala akong internet kagabi dahil baka kung anopa ang maisulat ko dito... Tangina talaga! Nanggagalaite na naman ako sa galit. Kagabi pa ako naluluha sa galit at wala akong mapagbuntungan kundi ang blog na 'to. Shit! Di ko magets ba't ganto ako ka-affected pero na-realize ko rin na kaya ako ganto ka-affected dahil may halong disappointment akong nararamdaman. Shet talaga. I'm sorry. Mahirap lang talagang makarinig ng iyak mula sa kaibigan sa telepono tapos nasa malayo ka at wala kang magagawa, wala kang maiu-offer na solusyon. Siguro kaya ako ganto ka-affected dahil kasabay ko sa paglalakbay ang kaibigan ko at kahit di siya nagsasalita alam ko ang pinagdadaanan niya ngayon (at pinagdaanan niya noon), at di ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit napakadali lang sa iba na patayin....hay naku, yoko na. Gusto ko nang i-censor sarili ko. Shet talaga, tangina! I just hope people really practice what they preach and I would really really REALLY like to believe that the intentions are sincere and not to protect their own selfish interests! Shit! I love you Yano for your first hit single! PI ka Poncio Pilato! Nasan ka "humanity" and forgiveness? Tama na. Tama na...

Walang Isang Salita!

I'm kind of feeling bad. I just turned down an offer from my mentor & former boss. I would have shot a mini-docu about the last two weeks of the lives of the celebrity housemates before they enter the house. My former boss deems it could be training for me also now that I'm studying film directing. I got excited about the offer and readily accepted it, not even thinking about how much I will be getting or if i have the time to do it.

Then I came to class and found out we're starting our practical drills. I'm a newbie, see, and I'm not an A student too. It's understandably important that I should not be absent now that we're starting to hold the camera and take the shots. Of course, there's the price tag that comes along with my scholarship. I just couldn't afford to be delinquent, literally and figuratively.

Still, I tried to make things work. I was thinking of getting 2 more co-writers/SPs for the mini-docu so that I can only be absent in that one important day when the housemates are already checked inside a hotel before the launch date. I convinced two classmates to work with me, and thought of adjusting my TF so that they'll get bigger pay. In my mind, I can still do it.

I immediately wrote the sequence outline after class. I was thinking of emailing it to my former boss before our meeting the following day so that he can comment already about the structure & possible content. While writing it though, I had an epiphany. I realized I just couldn't do it. Doing it would entail focus and concentration on the work only. Shooting's easy but editing's a different matter. It will drain me mentally and physically which I couldn't afford since class is mentally and physically draining itself. More so, I don't want to come up with a mediocre documentary. It would be unfair for my former boss who trusted me with such a project. I wouldn't like it also. Ako pa na super fan ng reality shows & docu!

I still emailed the outline accompanied with a long letter that contains my whining and nervous thoughts. (And I realized now, it was amateurish for me to do so. It's just that I never looked at my former boss as just a "boss". I also see him as a father figure so the thoughts were written instinctively. Pero argh, napaka-unprofessional ko pa rin!) In the letter I said that I’d only commit when I know the sked.

I lied down in bed past 2 in the morning. 4 A.M. came and I still couldn't sleep. I was really bothered. I should just say no already. And so I texted my boss and started feeling guilty. Taena, wala akong isang salita! I hardly got any sleep since I've to wake up early for my driving class. It was a miracle I survived driving around Cubao, whew, since I was still stressed and sleepy.

My former boss replied with a "Ewan ko sa'yo. Dapat masanay ka na harassing ang buhay ng bagong direktor". I know he was just his usual "taray" self but I still got affected. My housemates say I should stop feeling guilty since the fee was small anyway for the kind of job that I will be doing. The thing is, it was never about the money and it's not as easy as that. It's really difficult to turn down a boss whom you owe so much and whom you've comfortably and happily worked with for 4 years. Kahit Lolo tawag namin dun, Tatay turing ko sa kanya e. Basta makakabawi rin ako sa 'yo Lolo! :)

Now, I don't know what lies ahead of me. I've turned down 4 projects so far because of school (as creative team member for the comeback soap of a young actress, as writer for the movie of a young comedian and a child superstar, as brainstormer for the next soap of a young actress, and now this). Haaay. If I already need "rakets" for survival, I wouldn't be surprised if the people who offered me these projects won't hire me na, I guess.

Changes!

Changes... there are going to be changes in my life in the next few weeks. I will wait until everything is final before I tell you guys what they are. For now, I'm going to take a much-needed vacay. I'm flying tomorrow to my hometown. I will have to tell to tell my parents personally about these changes. These changes though, may not be big deal to some so to my friends who are wondering, don't assume "big"! :) Baka mapahiya lang ako pag nalaman niyo na. :)

This entry is supposed to be about me only but I also want to share that like Sisig, a person who's dear to me will also undergo life changes in the next few months. My best friend just got an immigration visa and will have to leave the country before December. I will surely miss you, CF :(

Pahiram ng mga salita Sisig, "pakiramdam na ewan" din ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Failure To Launch!

It's already nearing the end of June and I still don't know the results. I am sure I didn't get it. Actually, I never really expected to get it knowing my background and competitors. Still, it hurts knowing that I was willing to give up everything just to earn a slot. I admit, I did hope for a "himala." :)

Oh well, welcome "tweens"!

I Pity

I got home from work today feeling depressed (again, what's new! :) ) But this time, it's not about me. I pity the housemate who's going to do a voluntary exit tonight. I feel for him. Honestly, I didn't dig him in the early days. I even thought he was just playing for the cameras and acting out his "pity me" story arch. I also got irritated with him when I found out something (that I cannot disclose), which made me question his character. I only placed him to be one of the Big 4 (now, that's a clue although I'm sure any regular viewer already knows who's going to exit) because of his tremendous popularity on the net. But then, my feelings changed upon discovering and finding out everything that made him that way. He wasn't acting. He is really a genuine person who happens to have some heavy emotional baggage to deal with. I wish I can explain further but sadly, I can't. Some things are better left unsaid. All I can do is to pray that God bless him and guide him in his life's crucial stage.

Dazed Again

Dammit. I hate negative energy. I'm still losing the zest. I hate practicing what I don't preach. Yes, Aimee. I know it's not going to stop until I wise up. I hope it's that easy, though. I need to chillax, chillax.

Void

I don't know why but I came home from work today feeling depressed. Or frustrated. Something's bothering me but I can't seem to figure out why because I'm too busy with everything. I've no time to ponder. Or maybe I just don't want to acknowledge it. I don't know. I'm clueless. (Or, not really.)